I recently had the opportunity to attend a presentation by
Kim Barthel and came away with so many thoughts and ideas it was hard to know
where to begin. However, the number one
theme she focused on was compassion and that seems like a good place to begin.
The reason it is a good place to begin is because compassion
enables us to see the real person. I was
reminded of this through a conversation I had with another person following the
presentation. They were talking to me
about the fact the child they were working with is having a difficult time at
school and they were asking for a Psych-Ed assessment to be done. Through the conversation, I realized the
child had experienced a lot of change and transitions recently. As a result, I recommended that they focus
on making the child feel safe and loved and wait on the Psy-Ed assessment for
now. It is utterly amazing to me how
stress and anxiety can literally change a person. I have seen student after student whose
behaviour completely changes when they experience a large change or trauma in
their life. While we no longer should
say love is enough, we should say love goes a long ways toward solving
problems.
Why does love and compassion make such a difference? It starts with an understanding of stress and
anxiety. We know stress and anxiety is a
necessary part of our lives. Stress
motivates us and anxiety keeps us safe.
However, too much of stress or anxiety will overwhelm us and stop us
from thinking clearly. As a result, we
lose the ability to problem solve.
Children in particular are more susceptible to this than adults. The number one diagnosis of children today is
generalized anxiety disorder recently passing ADHD. Why is that?
Anxiety comes from high cortisol levels, a chemical our body produces
when presented with a perceived danger.
The behaviour typically seen will be fight, flight or freeze. A child may have an angry outburst or temper
tantrum, get stubborn, say mean things meant to hurt, get physically aggressive
and cause damage to property. A child
may also avoid, deny, always say everything is fine, constantly try to fix
everything or agree with everything, run away, or focus on something. However, the child may also daydream, refuse
to do any work, obsess on something, become very quiet, cry, or just stare at
something. While these behaviours can be
linked to several different reasons, the conversation becomes so
important. Any person, not just a child,
will not naturally think to ask for help when they are overwhelmed with
anxiety. However, when we recognize this
behaviour as a communication for help, we can literally become a lifesaver.
How do we do that? It
starts with compassion. We must first
realize children communicate differently than adults due to the difference in
brain development. Children are more
attuned to reading faces than adults.
The first form of communication a baby develops is through reading its
mother’s face. Elementary children, in
particular, still use facial expression as a primary means of communication
with adults and other children. The
stare of over three seconds is considered to be the most threatening facial
expression we have. As a teacher, I am
very cognizant of the fact that when I am speaking to a child, I will not tell
them to look at me and then proceed to stare and talk. If the child doesn’t want to look at me, I
give them that option, but they must respond in some way whether by voice or
body language. The look of compassion
has several aspects. It is the head
tilting to the right; chin and cheekbones slightly elevated; a lower, quieter
deliberate voice; and hold the presence.
Holding the presence is such a key point. We simply wait. Not move, don’t speak, don’t get distracted,
simply communicate “I am here for you.” I joke that that I wish I could get through a
day without a child crying on me, but when they know you are there for them,
that anxiety release is something to behold.
What is so cool about compassion, though, it actually releases anxiety
for both you and the child. A stressed
adult creates a stressed child. A calm
adult creates a calm child.
So the next time you feel like you are
about to get into a shouting match with your child again, stop, take a deep
breath, get yourself calm, and focus on how can you help your child through
their challenge. When they realize you
do still love them no matter what they have done, you are laying the groundwork
to be able to truly help them. You will
not be disappointed with the results.
